I've never blogged before. (likely the most common first sentence of first blogs EVER, but what the heck, i don't pretend to be original)

So life is tough. If you don't know it or don't see it, you will soon.

Life itself can be hard... school, work, friends, family, money, problems, rules, restrictions, necessities...

And I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

I can't complain, really... shouldn't, rather. My life is and has been easy... my world is "perfect" and "simple" and "nice"... I have friends who care about me, I have parents who care about me, a brother and a sister I get along with... I have waaaay too much to be thankful for...

but I've noticed that I fixate on certain people and if they don't approve or accept me, I feel worthless... These certain people are almost exclusively guys, although I think one of the first was Christine. No, I don't think I was in love with her, and I don't think I'm a lesbian. I don't see girls as mates, as lovers... I see them as either buddies or centerfolds, toys, playthings...

Colin moved everything up a level. I held onto his laugh, the memory of his laugh, the idea of his laugh, like a lifeline, like one of those buoyant plastic blow-up rings they throw you when you're drowning.

And Dave... Josh... Sim... Tarek... Tarek means nothing to me. I hate the person I am in that house... I hate the person I become. Who I am here and now is trash. And it matters to me. It matters to me that I'm so hurting and lonely that I'll get off to sex scenes just to numb the pain and dull the reality... Red is less red when you're giving out your back to throw yourself into a miniscule, momentary orgasm... blue is less blue, pink is just the colour of my lipstick, red is just the colour of my hair, blue is just the colour of my eyes... and it means nothing.

I found you when I was waiting for my world to change and hoping that I could hold onto me while grabbing hold of the highest price and the greatest gain... but I can't. I can't keep this life and take his. it doesn't work like that. i don't quite understand what i'm giving up. it was awful. you don't understand! no matter how many times it was confirmed 'you're sexy' 'you're a hot dancer' 'the boys are crazy over you'... it didn't matter. Tarek hadn't made a move (why should he?)... Dave hasn't replied... Sim doesn't care... Josh has forgotten all about me and Colin, well, Colin's engaged and he won't remember my name.

I don't know who i miss or what i miss... i was a simple happy outlook, but i've never had it. i've always been complicated and dreary and cynical, i cling to my words, my medium is the english language and my art form is abstract prose... stream of consciousness... incandescence... mmm... i love that word. 'You are incandescent'.

Go... and... sin... NO MORE!

I want life to taste and feel and smell and sound and look REAL again!!! everything is meaningless... all of it.

I wonder if Solomon was addicted to sex when he wrote Ecclesiastes... it would make a heck of a lotta sense.

I'm not addicted to sex or pornography... I've been healed of that. God is showing me the roots and it's harder than I ever imagined (that's what she said... that one's for joshie) to try to pull them out. It hurts kind of like digging out warts... and if you don't really get rid of it... the problem just gets bigger and more obvious too, I suppose, seeing as you've opened it all up.

It's gotta get worse before it gets better, right?